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Picking Up that Check on the First Date

The author of this piece believes that men should always pick up the check on the first date. Have to disagree with this analysis, for a couple of reasons based on several scenarios.

Met through Online Dating Service – Many people now meet through dating services online. Their first date is indeed the first time they have seen each other in person. Statistics show that these dates typically occur within 7-14 days of meeting online. The so called “Starbucks Date” really is a first meeting. Splitting the check in my view is appropriate, in that this may be the first and last date based on mutual chemistry. Everybody having skin in the game tends to keep both sides honest. Have met women who lied about their age, lied about their looks, and lied about their background – and from feedback from women, that is certainly true on the guy’s side as well.

Picking up the check on any subsequent date is appropriate, based on who initiates it. And no, I for one am not dropping $300+ to go to a five star restaurant until I am sure that interest is returned.

Met in Person – If a guy meets a woman through Church, work, club, or social contact – then the guy should pick up the check. You have developed some chemistry and interest. You asked her out. Showing appreciation is appropriate. What you do after that is a mutual decision. Since I tend to date  women who are professionals themselves near my age bracket, they tend to want to establish their independence through either sometimes picking up the check or contributing. I don’t expect it or require it to continue the relationship – but doing so establishes a level of mutual respect, interest, and financial responsibility in that I know every dime she earns isn’t going into those $300 High-heel sneakers, or cute little BMW out in the parking lot. If she is after a long term relationship and not just sex – then I know she is checking me out on the same basis.

Attention, straight men dating women: Here’s why they still — yes, still — expect you to pick up the check

Aside from whether men should hold the door for women, few seemingly frivolous issues have fanned the flames of anti-feminism as much as who should pay for dates between men and women. It’s a subject that seems to never die — see yesterday’s Guardian feature on “Paying while dating” — because there are always a subset of men who insist that it’s absolutely unfair that as the world has gotten closer to gender equality, men are still expected to pick up the check. A 2014 NerdWallet studyfound that 77 percent of over 1,000 U.S. respondents expected men to pick up the check on a first date. Most likely, they will continue to be—perhaps not forever, but certainly for the here and now.

Why? News flash: it’s not about the money, it’s about what the money signifies. “The man should pay on the first date, always. It’s meant to set the tone—that this is and was a date, not a networking opportunity or a new friendship,” founder of online dating concierge service eFlirt and author of “Love @ First Click,” told Salon. “It speaks to a man’s values and shows that he is a gentleman. Most first dates are just a few cocktails, so this shouldn’t be a burden for men. Beyond a first date, the rules change a bit though and it depends on what you do together. For example, if it’s dinner and an after-dinner cocktail for a second date, it’s great for the woman to pay for the cocktails at the second destination. Or, she could plan and pay for the third date. Ultimately, paying the bill on a date shows appreciation. It’s a gesture to let someone know you’re interested in them and appreciate them. That’s why I never suggest splitting the bill. A date should feel like a treat and it doesn’t when it becomes an accounting transaction.”

I have to agree based on my own experience. Showing you’ve thought about the other person is what matters, and on a first date, paying is a way to do that. If you don’t have a lot of money, you can choose an inexpensive date so that you can cover the costs. I once went on a date to a free comedy show with a guy I met online. There were plenty of reasons the date was disastrous—think dead silence for up to ten minutes at a time—but the real rock bottom moment for me was when I said I was going up to the bar to get a drink and asked if he wanted anything (I wasn’t that thirsty but needed to break the tension). He said no but when I returned and reported that the bartender had generously comped my seltzer, he said he wished he’d known or he’d have ordered one! In that case, I was the one offering to pay, but instead of taking me up on it, he made himself seem like an extreme cheapskate. (Guys: don’t do this.)

Yet the who-should-pay decision is a conundrum, as dating and relationship expertWendy Newman, author of “121 First Dates: How to Succeed at Online Dating, Fall in Love, and Live Happily After (Really!),” calls it, one that often leaves both men and women not completely satisfied. “When a man pays for a string of dates for strangers and experiences entitlement or isn’t thanked or appreciated for these efforts it can burn him out. When a woman isn’t treated, often times she doesn’t feel special or cared for,” said Newman.

As further proof that it’s not about money, Los Angeles-based dating expert and radio personality Erin Tillman, who’s single, says “I’ve been on coffee dates with guys where they didn’t pay for my coffee.” That is definitely not the way to go if you want a second date—with Tillman or most women. Based on her own dating history and her clients’ experiences, Tillman told Salon, “if he doesn’t offer to pay, it’s definitely a turnoff.” As she sees it, “It sets a guy up for success. You don’t want to do anything that’s going to ruin your chances of dating someone.” She suggests the guy pay for the first month, or until you’ve established that you’re in a committed relationship.…More…

 
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Posted by on August 30, 2015 in and the Single Life

 

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Why I Don’t Sleep With White Guys

Ok…Now that I got your attention – This one isn’t about me.

Not that it’s any great loss to the gay community – I’m a heterosexual guy who likes the ladies.

But this one caught my eye from a Student in Canada. Interesting viewpoint, since it’s now in style in some parts of America for some black women to get their “swirl” on. And I certainly have run into black guys “who only date white women”. So I wonder if the reverse sort of thing is going on with those women. And do some of those women feel the same way?

And no – the eye candy isn’t the author – I just couldn’t find a decent pic..

Why I Don’t Sleep With White Guys

They say nothing comes without a price. However, in the case of being one of the only coloured girls in my city, nothing comes without a race.

I live in a predominately white city. Not by choice (I’m from Toronto), but to attend university. When I first got to the city, I thought people would be incredibly racist and I’d be excluded and snubbed by my peers. Well, the opposite happened.

Arrogance aside (I promise), everywhere I went, I was white men’s object (emphasis onobject) of desire. And it wasn’t just white men — all races of men I’ve never encountered, but white men seemed the most enthralled by my presence. But the initial adoration and my swelled ego soon subsided after I realized that men were not attracted to me for being just a “pretty face” — I was being objectified, exoticized and sexualized for being one of few coloured girls in a sea of white men. I felt alone. And more importantly, I felt disgusted with myself.

Feminist, social activist and African American author bell hooks terms this kind of attraction to the ‘Othered’ body as “Eating the Other.” This is the phenomenon where white men as well as the media view coloured women’s bodies, especially black women’s, as a site of difference. The coloured body is stereotypically everything the white woman’s body is not: she is not “pure,” “fair,” or “docile.” Rather, her body represents deviance, darkness, temptation, evil, and hypersexuality. This detrimental image generates a deep sense of desire and adventure within the white man — a desire to colonize her body — ‘eat’ it up, and use it to come to know himself.

Through fucking a coloured woman, the white man transcends his ‘whiteness’ and innocence, moving into more experienced and dangerous territory. Literally through her body, he learns what he is and what he is not. He gains access to cross the border into a dark territory that only he, of all his friends, has yet to venture to. But after ‘consuming’ her multiple times, he becomes sick and repulsed, as with any overconsumption of food, and spits her out.

I found hooks’ theory to be overwhelmingly comforting. It came at a time when I was trying to make sense of what was happening to my body and how it was being perceived. It especially came at a time when I found out the guy I had been seeing had a white girlfriend and was sleeping with me to finally make his fantasy of fucking black girls come true (wasn’t I lucky to be the first?). As a mixed-race girl, I also found it unsettling that the colour of my skin allowed people to label me as “Black,” or as something tropical and exotic — it was always one of the two. I was getting sick of being approached at bars by white men, changing their pick up line from “Are you an angel? ‘Cause it looks like you fell outta heaven.” to “I love black people. I have black friends, you know — now can I take you home?”

Sometimes it was more of an excited squeal, a wide-eyed gawk, their hands shaking as they coyly tried to place their hands on my ass, exclaiming, “I’ve never danced with a black girl before,” looking at me the same way one would attack a Quarter (Dark Meat) Chicken Dinner at Swiss Chalet. Dressing up in cheetah print made it worse. My skin colour and mixed heritage had given me a label I didn’t like — that “Black” girl at the bars, that “Island girl” on the bus. Nobody knew what I was, so I was immediately placed in a stereotypical category that both separated me from others and made me mysterious. I was always that girl, not just a girl.

After months of self-hatred, feeling dirty inside and out and wondering what I was doing wrong, I finally started to come to terms with what was happening around me. Being a racial minority female in a city of racially dominant men made me exotic. I was a hot coloured commodity in a rather colourless city, because they had so few “people like me.” The exotification of women comes from being that racialized woman — the Other kind of woman who does not carry “white” features or practices “white” culture.

It is not a compliment, because like eroticization, it sexualizes, objectifies and racializes the female body, jamming it into a tight space where hypersexuality, primitiveness, danger, temptation and difference are forced upon us. The exotification of the racialized body is a way for non-racialized subjects to, like hooks reminds us, come to know themselves. By casting coloured women as different, they maintain the status quo of race and sex dominance while marginalizing, sexualizing, and dehumanizing coloured women.

This is not to say I have become the mad mixed woman in the attic and have cast off all white men. It’s also not to say that this can’t happen with all races of men — I just have yet to find an interracial relationship where my difference isn’t at the forefront. I have yet to find that guy who hasn’t used me to see if sleeping with me makes him a new man, or a guy who hasn’t made the wretched “I love black people” disclaimer upon meeting me.

Maybe I’m just looking in the wrong place. But I am speaking to something more structural than just the colour of my skin and people’s reactions to it; I am talking about privilege, racism, colonialism — systems and institutions of power and hierarchy that allow for women of colour to be exotified and Othered; to be treated as sex objects and animals instead of humans. To be treated by non-coloured men as cheapened territory that becomes a game of conquering. Until I find that guy and regain my trust in white men, I’ve saved myself from being checked off someone’s “To Do” list again. And although I could be missing out, it’s a good feeling to know I’m finally in control. And it feels great.

 
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Posted by on July 26, 2013 in The Post-Racial Life

 

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Tracy McMillan – Why You’re Not Married…Part 2.

So…Tracy – after the third marriage…
Should the bride wear black?

Last year an opinion piece directed towards women by Tracy McMillan caused the Internet Message Boards to light up. Tracy has published a follow on piece n HuffPo – which I am sure is going to cause as much controversy. With only 42% of black women who will ever marry, and the statistics of even divorced black women not looking too good – its probably time to start delving a little deeper into he issue than metro-sexual black men, or all the good men are locked up in Prison. Black women, by and large do the same things as their white counterparts. Reminds me of a conversation with a Jewish woman I dated, when on the first date she volunteered “So you a tired of the black women who are b*tches, and the white ones who are crazy.”

Tracy McMillian

I reminded her about obsessive, too smart Jewish women…

Tracy’s first foray through the minefield is here, and includes the first “6 Reasons” –

1. You’re a B*tch.
Here’s what I mean by b*tch. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here’s what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn’t think so. You’ve seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men.

Single Guy view – No sane guy out of his teens wants to marry a “b*tch”, “Diva”, or “Queen”. Once those hormones subside a bit about 30, he figures out that while a Diva may be a great “f*ck buddy”, the continued flak of waking up with her for the next 20 years just isn’t worth it.

2. You’re Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man’s character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you’re not married, I already know it isn’t. Because if you were looking for a man of character,you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy…

Single Guy view – Go to any black dating website and look at the “want list” of the women there. Whether 4’11” or 6′ tall they all want a guy taller than 5’9″. Since the average height of black men in America is 5’9″ that eliminates 50% of the available men from their searches. Take out married, committed, or in jail – and the number of available black guys gets astonishingly small. Go to any of the Internet dating sites, and over 30 you find a plethora of women over 5’6″ – statistically the largest group. Face it tall ladies – the short girls done stole all your men! If  you are really serious about that relationship – get used to wearing flats. Your feet will thank you when you reach 50.

Searching for Denzel. I have a couple of women business friends I’ve known for a long time who have never been married who are in their early 50’s. One is short, dumpy, and very average looking. A recurring scenario is she meets a wildly successful handsome guy, agonizes over every word he says for months – to find out he’s dating someone else, he’s gay, or has a list of psychological problems that would put a poorer person in an Asylum. She doesn’t even get to bed the guy. She went through this with a guy I know who is probably one of the top 5 most eligible guys in town, who has a successful career, has lots of status,  is wealthy, and a long family pedigree of successful ancestors – all “must haves” in her book. The problem? Every other single woman in town knows this too. If I’ve got 100 Halle Berrys knocking at my door, character be damned in terms of a sex life… I’m not looking for a date with Whoopi. What I’m looking for is a Halle..with a brain.

3. You’re a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore — but they’re not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you’re having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin — it doesn’t stay recreational for long. Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on June 3, 2012 in Men, The Post-Racial Life, Women

 

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She’s Really Not Into You!

First date mistakes…literally.

This little guy probably still in diapers is in for a healthy dose of rejection. But our intrepid Casanova doesn’t give up easily.

Sorry for the horrendous soundtrack on this one – apparently he clip author was addicted to 60’s Bossa Nova screeching…

 
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Posted by on May 14, 2012 in You Know It's Bad When...

 

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Drop off the keys, Lee…And get yourself free!

Well, it appears that the increasingly popular Internet Dating has spawned a new Internet Industry…

Internet Dumping.

What was that Jhonnie Taylor line in the immortal “It’s Cheaper to Keep Her”?

“You didn’t pay but $2 to bring that little girl home. Now you gonna pay $2,000 to leave her alone!”

Cost you $50 a month to find her (him) on popular sites like eHarmony and Match…

$10 to get rid of her (him) on IDUMP4U!

Skip the pain, Jane!

Time to Break Up? Online Service Can Do the Dumping

There are few things more awkward than having the “It’s not you, it’s me” conversation. For those too nervous, chicken, or lazy to break up with their partner themselves, there’s iDUMP4U, a website that does the dirty work for you—for a mere $10. For said fee, the man behind the site, Bradley Laborman, will make the breakup call … and record it, should you want to post it on YouTube, reports Time.

He’ll even handle messier cases: Pay him $25 and he’ll call it quits on your engagement; $50 will get the wheels turning on your divorce. Though he started it as a joke in September 2009, he’s logged 200 breakups to date. And the holidays are his busy time: “Last year I had a lot of Turkey Dumps,” he says. “I also had people who didn’t want to buy a Christmas present [for their partner]. This time of year is the busiest.”

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on November 29, 2010 in Nawwwwww!

 

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Dating Uglies

Ugly Betty From the TV Series

This one kind of blew me away. First off, where do you find folks who are willing to put their names out there on a site dedicated to Ugly People Dating. And second, beautiful or ugly in terms of matches between folks seems to me to be highly subjective, and completely in the eye of the beholder.

Ugly People Get Their Own Dating Site

Talk about a niche dating site. TheUglyBugBall.co.uk launched on Monday as the first online dating site only for ugly people in the U.K. It claims to “deal in reality,” is free to join and filled with 1,500 unattractive people who want to, um, bump uglies. First of all, that’s the best name for a website ever. Second of all, founder Howard James’ quote is the funniest ever: “It’s a sad fact that up to half of the UK is made up of ugly people yet amazingly nobody has ever thought of providing a dating service for them.” The rules are strict: attractive singletons are not allowed!

But isn’t a dating site for “the aesthetically challenged” kind of … wrong?

True, they are a self-selecting group, who willingly put themselves on there. And I suppose some singletons would feel like it’s easier to date among a pool where everyone has lowered expectations about physical appearances. I’m troubled, though, because “ugliness” and “attractiveness” are so subjective. The idea that some people may define themselves as being “ugly,” if they’re not really at peace with it (i.e., not embracing it in the empowering way some people have embraced slurs like “gay” or “slut”), seems exploitative. Why would society want to encourage people to identify themselves like that?

The site itself makes a lot of downright untrue — not to mention cruel — assumptions about “ugly” people. Try: “Ugly people are a better calibre of human—pretty people generally aren’t very nice and are often a bit shallow.” And: “Ugly people have had a tougher life and therefore tend to be more considerate and more loyal. A recent survey [on the site] also proved that they try harder in bed.” And this gem: “Ugly people have lower expectations – for a first date a Family Bucket will usually do the trick.” So guys, don’t bother wooing an “ugly” woman or treating her like she’s a human being! Just buy her a bucket of fried chicken and she’ll be grateful.

Gross.

There’s also the question of how “ugly” do you have to be to join. What are the qualifiers? Weight? The size of your nose? Facial deformities? Skin color? It seems to me this would just contribute to sizeismracism, ableism, etc. Even if it’s a self-selecting group who joins, it saddens me that the online dating pools — which can already be a vicious meat market — are further subdividing in a way that doesn’t challenge notions of beauty.

 
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Posted by on August 20, 2010 in The Post-Racial Life

 

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The Church and Black Womens Marraige

Not really a surprise here. Early on in computer dating I found a sister who seemed to fit the bill. Attractive, intelligent, extremely well dressed, and well educated. The conversation quickly moved to the Religion part, where she announced she only dated men with the spirit in them. End of that story.

More than one of the guys here has noted the same thing. There is a huge differential between the number of black men attending, especially evangelical churches and women. Church lady may be fine, but that highly structured belief set may be a giant red stop light to a majority of the guys who might be interested. Especially if that church is decidedly hostile to those who don’t follow it’s path.

Does the black church keep black women single?

Legs covered in skin-toned stockings, her skirt crisp to the knee, Patty Davis slips on the black heels she has shined for the day.

“Got to look good in the Lord’s house,” she says as she spritzes her neck with White Diamonds perfume and exits her black Lincoln Town Car.

Davis, 46, of Union City, Georgia, has attended African Methodist Episcopal churches since before she could crawl. She sits proudly in the pew every Sunday for service and is among the first to arrive for bible study each Wednesday.

She moves swiftly, with confidence, a weathered Bible clutched in her right hand, the day’s passages dog-eared and highlighted. She’s the type of woman who can recite scriptures with ease, her love of faith evident in her speech.

“Every day is a blessed day for me,” she says. “Jesus is the No. 1 man in my life and any man who wants me must seek me through Him.”

The unmarried Georgia native is a committed follower of the Christian faith, striving to live and breathe the gospel in her daily life. Yet, according to relationship advice columnist Deborrah Cooper, it is this devout style of belief and attachment to the black church that is keeping black women like Davis — single and lonely. Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on August 11, 2010 in American Genocide, The Post-Racial Life

 

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