Nearly 40% would rather date a convicted felon than a Trumpazoid.
There’s an endless cast of characters we could potentially link up with romantically, but there are certain people we don’t dare mingle with. Many Americans have recently carved out a new bottom line, and it has to do with Donald Trump.
According to a survey conducted by the online dating app Sapio, voting for Trump is becoming a bigger turn-off than most other dealbreakers out there. Out of the 2,000 people surveyed, over half said they’d rather date someone who couldn’t read than someone planning to vote for this year’s GOP candidate. Sixty-two percent would rather stick with someone still living with their parents, and another 60 percent would rather stay single for the next four years than wind up with a Trump supporter.
Turns out people prefer smokers and ex-pornstars over Trump stumpers as well.
Of the women surveyed, almost half would date someone old enough to be their dad over a Trump supporter. Men, on the other hand, weren’t so flexible with this one. Less than 30 percent of guys surveyed would date someone their mom’s age in place of dating a girl gunning for Trump.
While millennials would date almost anyone in place of a Trump supporter, there are some particularities this cohort is not willing to settle for. Turns out Trump supporters are still a better sell than those plagued with a contagious skin disease or convicted sex offenders. Incest also is still not cool. Eighty percent of survey participants said they’d rather date a Trump supporter than their cousin. That seems fair enough.
But before you give Americans a pat on the back for bringing an element of political responsibility into our dating lives, remember, we’re still a pretty shallow bunch. More than half of those surveyed said they’d rather date a Trump supporter than someone they find unattractive.
Of course, dating a Trump supporter wouldn’t be so bad for the 20 percent of individuals surveyed who are planning to vote for him.
No, this isn’t about the Chumph. It is about a different side of the masculinity belief that men should be in control and handle the “big issues”, while women should raise children and be submissive. I’ve known some guys who couldn’t tell he business end of a socket wrench from the part you hold onto. The masculinity myth has it that men are better then women at anything mechanical. It’s bullshit, and self destructive.
The male ego spans a lot of territory. From the guy in this story whose fragile ego was crushed by a competent woman, to the fake hyper-masculinity of a Trump
Theresa Ukpo was sitting in the passenger seat of her date’s car, trying to figure out what she did wrong. She was out with a guy she’d been seeing regularly for three months. It was the kind of night that required stilettos, and things had been going well — until his car got a flat tire.
He had pulled over on the side of the road and called AAA. It was dark and late; she didn’t feel safe. It would take anywhere from 30 minutes to three hours for AAA to show up. They could continue to wait, or she could just change the tire and they could be on their way in about 20 minutes, tops. “I figured if I can, why not do?” Ukpo said by phone of the date she first wrote about on the blog Madame Noire. “I don’t subscribe to this idea that because I’m a woman, I have to play this damsel in distress thing.”
It’s at this point in the story that Andrew Smiler, communications director at the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity and the expert I called to discuss the fragility of the male ego, began chuckling. He knew where the tale was headed — and why. Like me, he’s heard countless stories like Ukpo’s, where confident, well-intentioned women are trying to help, but a dating disaster ensues. For clarity, I asked him, “What exactly is so funny?”
Smiler laughs again and explains: “We give people some really messed-up messages about gender roles. Even in the early 21st century, we have this supposedly egalitarian culture, and guys are taught that they should never show weakness or ignorance or inability to do a task. And in various ways they should ‘wear the pants’ in the relationship.”
This is probably what Ukpo’s date thought. She volunteered to change his tire so they wouldn’t have to wait. He didn’t believe she could, so he stood over her holding the light while she squatted and did what he thought was the impossible. He barely spoke to her the entire ride to her home, and she hasn’t heard from him since he dropped her off.
Ukpo wasn’t sure what she had done wrong. “My first inkling was that he was intimidated that I changed his tire,” she says. “Or maybe he thought I was being stubborn about not wanting to wait for AAA.”
When she asked her male friends what she did wrong, if anything, the answer was unanimous: She emasculated him.
In other words, the male ego — which Smiler defines as a shorthand for determining “whether or not a guy thinks he measures up or is masculine or macho enough — strikes again. Its pesky existence is the bane of a dating woman’s existence and the culprit of countless dating and relationship disasters. Managing it is like walking through a minefield. One misstep, andBOOM! there went your potential for a relationship. The fear of encountering the male ego’s wrath results in the muting of opinionated women, helplessness in otherwise take-charge types and second-guessing among the otherwise confident.
Given that the ego issue is all in a guy’s head, it sounds like a problem that he should have to work out with himself, but unfortunately that duty often falls to the women in his life. Why? Andrea Syrtash, relationship expert and author of “He’s Just Not Your Type (And That’s a Good Thing),” says guys with fragile egos haven’t been properly socialized to manage themselves. “Men are conditioned to be strong, to not show vulnerability because it’s a sign of weakness, and not encouraged to share what they’re feeling or be communicative,” Syrtash explains. “The ‘fragile male ego‘ comes from being misunderstood.”
When encountering such an ego, she suggests that women in the early stages of a dating run for the hills to avoid it. But for those who have more time invested, she recommends countering it by building confidence. “Women don’t always realize that although your man may be strong and silent and doesn’t share his feelings, he still needs to hear that he’s doing a good job, that he’s contributing well, that you respect him, that you appreciate him. That kind of approval goes a long way in a relationship,” Syrtash says…. Read the Rest Here…
Interesting tidbit here, that some sites including the largest dating site, Match is using your educational data to manipulate who you see on the site, as well as who sees you. By collecting data such as your SAT Score, a test you likely took way back there in High School, a good analyst can determine a couple of things about you. First, people with the top 10% or so in SAT Scores tend to be College Graduates. Recent research has shown that that has no correlation to them being smarter, than say the next 25% – but being in the top 10% means you have a better chance of attending an elite school. One of the common characteristics of elite schools is a much higher graduation rate – typically over 90% for the very top schools vs 50-65% for State Schools. That also has some rather significant impact on potential income.
Along with the numerous personal tastes which drive selection of someone to date, liking tall women, or short men, redheads, or spiked hair and nose rings…
Is the correlation that relationships are based on shared experiences. There is a low likelihood that a woman whose job takes her around the world is going to chose a guy who is a construction worker. If I can’t dress her up and take her out with my friends and business associates without embarrassment…The relationship is very short lived. If a woman doesn’t want to date men with beards, then the fastest way to drive her off a dating site is to fill her potential matches box up with bearded guys.
Where the rub comes, is how they collect this information. And something I will call “disparate impact”, because black folks tend to have lower SAT Scores.
When I was growing up, there were always three places that my parents said were great for meeting your future girlfriend, wife or significant other: church, work and, of course, school. Our church attendance had waned in my late high school years, and I worked at a bagel bakery—so college seemed the mostly likely option for me.
For me, living in the lily-white suburbs where dating options were fraught with complications (because racism), the idea that doing well on my SATs might put me in a college classroom next to my own personal Freddie Brooks, Monica Wright or Laila was enough incentive to put in those extra study hours.
Of course, it turns out that my parents were more prescient than they thought. Dating companies are starting to use college prep for matchmaking purposes, which causes some groups to worry about not only our education policies but our privacy, too.
At this point we’re all in the Matrix. Despite the extremes to which Edward Snowden went to show us how the government violates our privacy, most Americans give up terabytes of personal information every day for an extra 10 percent off at Target. Want this new free app? Give us access to all your phone contacts. Want to sign up for this new email account? We’ll scan your emails for potential advertising targets.
This kind of intrusive data mining is particularly important in the African-American community, where the majority of our Internet access comes through smartphones and our social media use, especially on places like Twitter, where our use is incredibly high. But what about when you don’t expect your personal information to be used?
Late in 2014, Match Group, the consortium that owns Match.com, OkCupid, Tinder and a ton of other dating apps and sites, decided that it wanted to improve its access to young, fresh, single people’s preferences and tendencies. So what did it do? It purchased the Princeton Review. That’s right, Princeton Review, the test-prep program most commonly used by African Americans across the country, now collects data on kids to improve the targeting, marketing and analysis of dating platforms.
Now, it’s not working all that well if you’re black and dating on OkCupid, but in general, the strategy was that all those random surveys you take in an SAT-prep class—like on yourcollege hopes and worries, what makes a good college, college-ranking surveys, etc.—are chock-full of data that can help dating sites down the road. The catch is that survey data that was ostensibly about education is now being used for purposes that the kids taking those surveys never intended.
As with other breaches of computer privacy, most Americans reacted with a yawn. What’s the big deal if scouring the academic insecurities of a bunch of teenagers helps an organization connect a neurotic grad student with a working-class Romeo a few years later? First, you’re not getting paid for it. Many public schools that are majority African American and subsidize SAT-prep programs to help kids get into college are essentially paying twice: once to get the test prep for students and then again by giving this company millions of dollars in free information that doesn’t come back to the school.
But the problem runs deeper than that. This aggregate collecting of big data without the knowledge of consumers leads to everything from increased insurance premiums to loan discrimination to identity theft. What if Match.com sells Princeton Review-survey information to corporations that use internal data to decide whether or not loans should go to certain communities? What if high school survey data is used to justify aggressive stop-and-frisk-type policies—providing a cheap shortcut for lazy police departments that don’t want to conduct their own research?
Or, quite simply, what about the preponderance of data breaches we’ve seen, from Sony to Target, that are made easier the more hands our personal data goes through without our knowledge? Several organizations, including Consumer Action out of California, have begun highlighting these problems, especially with the way consumer data is being extracted from minority communities withno regard for privacy, reimbursement or consumer protection. However, it wouldn’t hurt if some 2016 candidates talked about this issue, seeing as how just a few months ago, half the GOP field was willing to let the FBI just dig all around Apple’s data files….
Hong Kong, the financial Mecca of Southeastern Asia. Apparently “Kong” men and women have some serious issues…
“I’d rather be single and die alone than date Kong men.”
I nearly spit my coffee as Hanna Lung slammed her smartphone on table after making the bold statement. She was furious after reading a recent column telling Hong Kong women to stop dreaming of finding their perfect Prince Charming and “get real.”
“How dare this guy write that ‘the only reason why an average woman over the age of 30 is still not married is because nobody wants to marry her’?” bellowed my friend. I glared at the beautiful 31-year-old media executive who is a rising star in her company—and, obviously, single.
“It’s not about whether someone wants to marry me. It’s about whether I want that man in my life. It is my choice,” she continued. “It’s Kong men who should get real and stop blaming us women.”
Women have long been the victims in an ongoing battle of the sexes in Hong Kong over the past three decades. Government statistics showthat the number of men per 1,000 women dropped significantly from 1,087 in 1981 to 858 in 2014. A recent report revealed that last year there were over 1 million women aged 15 or above who had never been married, versus 962,700 men who hadn’t tied the knot—so technically, at least, 37,300 women are destined to remain single, and this doesn’t even factor in whether any of the 962,700 men are gay.
In recent years, the fearful message has spread: Hong Kong is running out of men! So ladies, if you don’t want to end up as an old maid and die alone, you must hurry and “get real.” Don’t be picky and only go after men who have a “good package.” Cure your “princess syndrome” and stop being a spoiled brat. Don’t become one of those gold-digging, delusional Kong nui (a derogatory term for Hong Kong women) or a successful career woman.
This stigma toward single women has become the central narrative of Hong Kong’s dating culture. The message to women is clear: Lower your expectations, even though you might deserve better. A column entitled “Hey sisters, get real or you will die alone” published on April 11 in EJ Insight is the latest, most offensive iteration of this message. (Yes, this is the one that offended my friend so much. While it appears to have been removed by the publisher, perhaps because of the number of complaints, a cached version is here.)
The truth is, neither men nor women want to settle for less than what they want—and Hong Kong men and Hong Kong women seem to want different things.
Hong Kong women have long been accused of being materialistic and eyeing money, but there is a reason for it. According to Fan Lai, a professional counselor who deals with relationship problems and family issues, few Hong Kong women are looking to marry a scion of a property tycoon. But, she added, many do aim for a man with a monthly income somewhere between HK$80,000 and HK$100,000 (roughly US$10,300 to US$12,900). That’s because they want a man who is financially independent and won’t turn around asking them for money or take advantage of them. “They are women who have a great education, a successful career, and a pretty face and just don’t want to settle for less,” Lai said.
Men who have a “good package” (this means, by the way, that they are physically attractive, with a sizable bank account and a promising career), she added, have complained to her that they are having greater difficulties in finding their Ms. Right.
“They mind women who are too career-driven,” said Lai. “They don’t mind women who have a job, but when it comes to looking for a marriage partner, they want someone who is willing to stay at home and raise the family.”
And that is simply unrealistic. “How is it possible for women who are smart, ambitious, and independent to surrender their freedom and become a stay-at-home mum?” Lai questioned.
A quick survey of my single female friends confirmed that they are unwilling to settle for less—and sadly Kong men are the worst to date, a conclusion that has nothing to do with their finances or physique.
“Kong men are not gentlemen at all,” said Lung. “If you go on a date, you pick up the girl, open the door for her, pick up the bill, and send her home. That’s very basic. And yet I’ve never seen a Kong man who has done it. But Western men do. I’m an international man eater, so I aim at a global market.”
Twenty-year-old university student Diana Lam described Kong men at her age as “toxic.”
“They seem to be like ‘kidults.’ They are obsessed with video games and figurines. If a Kong man does not have a promising career or the ability to take care of a woman, Hong Kong women will not date him,” she said.
Irene Fung, a 40-something businesswoman, said men who are still active in the dating market that she had encountered are usually incapable of genuine communication, have low standards for themselves, fear commitment, and lack self-confidence. “Once I dated a man who boasted how many properties he owned. It was such a turn-off,” she said.
Kong men may also have little to offer in the bedroom. According to a2014 survey released by the Family Planning Association of Hong Kong, nearly 60% of the 2,100 women aged between 21 and 40 reported at least one sexual problem that lasted over three months to one year—which could be attributed to a partners’ lack of expertise. Nearly 32% said they had no desire. A similar percentage said they had problems getting aroused. Some 40% said they fail to attain orgasm.
“Before accusing women of being unrealistic Kong nui and gold-diggers, Kong men should reflect on their shortcomings first,” Lung pointed out.
And when they do “settle down,” some Hong Kong men actually don’t. Fung said she has also encountered many married men who are wealthy and successful, looking for girlfriends behind the back of their wife. “They act as if they were single,” she said. “It is men who should get real and stop wasting our time. Being with a man is not a must. We’ve got better things to do.”
Found this article and though it encapsulated modern black professional dating, although it was published 2 years ago.
Hate to tell this guy, but even making substantially more than some professional black women I’ve gone out with – it can be difficult. I drive a modest car, having gotten out of the childhood stage of driving the high end cars a long time ago to impress anyone. Other than a job interview or meeting a new client for the first time, I don’t get chance to wear the nice suits anymore due to the “full time casual” nature of the tech industry. Don’t talk about the other homes or properties or possessions until things begin to go well, and avoid talking money. I rent a house to be near work. Have no intention of retiring off to shuffleboard city. Seems that even at my age, many black women are looking for Mr. Perfect – and the least imperfection derails things.
Met an attractive black woman a few weeks ago on a website who lived locally. After exchanging mails back and forth she asked for my real name. Obviously to do a background check, which is not that uncommon with professional women in DC. I suggested she look at my LinkedIn page instead, which discusses some of my work and for whom I worked for – and some of my professional relationships proving that. Told her I had worked in some places that require security clearances, and one which required ongoing background checks and random drug testing. Most people in this city know what that means. Ergo – no criminal background, decent credit, and no drugs or excess alcohol. Told her point blank that some of the work I have done cannot be discussed on an open forum, and as such isn’t going to be on the resume. Several reasons for that, one being under non-disclosure working for companies which don’t want certain financial or business transactions to be public, or a company operating in “Stealth Mode” prior to a public announcement.
She bailed apparently insulted that I knew her program.
He’s got a degree. Check. A job. Check. Money. Well, that’s where Terrell Jermaine Starr’s dating story stops adding up.
When I tell my friends that the last time I had a girlfriend was during my freshman year in college in 1998, they respond with disbelief.
For them it’s bemusing to fathom that a man who is well-traveled, gainfully employed, bilingual, degreed, childless, not living in his mother’s basement and debt-free could go 16 years without being in a relationship and years at a time without having sex. What people don’t understand is that my income isn’t as high as many would expect, and it makes me feel insecure about how women may view my current professional station in life.
I only began working full time in my 30s; I spent all of my 20s traveling around Eastern Europe—mainly through Peace Corps, Fulbright and language study-abroad programs—and earning degrees. I consider myself a very late bloomer who has just recently realized I can make a living keystroking breaking-news stories and Brooklyn Renaissance-ing my way into a literary career. As intellectually fruitful as my 20s were, my worldly and academic sojourns did little for my bank account. All my education and travel were fully paid with scholarships, so I guess that means something.
But I wasn’t climbing any corporate ladders and adding zeros to my salary year after year during my 20s, like most women my age were doing, so I find myself financially incompatible. I can’t say that I’ve dated dozens of women who’ve told me as much, but my female friends have given me the impression that someone like me doesn’t bleep on their “He is dating, and perhaps marrying, material” radar.
Most of them are making six-figure salaries, or near that amount, and insist that their partners make at least as much. I’m a senior editor at a website—not an entry-level money earner, but I’m not making six figures, either, so I’m pretty much out of their league with regard to dating. Of course, I’m acutely aware of the fact that many black women have “dated and married down” economically, but I surmise they’ve grown weary of doing so. Complaints about men taking advantage of their financial status pervade most conversations I hear over why many women prefer to only date men who are their economic equals. For the record, I’d have no issue dating women who earn more than I do, and I’m not exclusively pursuing women with deep pockets, so don’t tweet me your foolishness.
When I took to Twitter several days ago to ask my female followers if they would date a man who earns less money than they do, all replied, “Yes.” In fact, many of them balked at my claims that I have a hard time dating because of my income. I’ve also been told that my background in Russian affairs and European wanderlust lead many black women to assume that I only date white women. To the contrary, I’m only interested in sistas. (At the egging on of my former boss, I wrote a funny piece about my type of woman called “Sophistiratchet” a few years ago that I encourage you to read, if you have a sense of humor.)
Most women are also shocked that I’ve gone as long as five years without sex. While I’m as sexual a being as any man, women aren’t disposable to me. I’ve never been able to engage in sexual relationships without establishing some emotional intimacy. Yes, such men do exist.
Some of you will quickly dismiss me and conclude that I’m penning this piece as a cheap attempt to evoke sympathy from female readers. That’s not the case. I’m writing about this because women have repeatedly asked why I, a man who wants to date and eventually marry, find it challenging to do so. There is, indeed, a swath of men in the dating pool who feel they are boxed into a space in which their incomes have yet to catch up with their professional statuses, thus making them less appealing.
For every woman who says she wouldn’t mind her partner making less money than she, there are just as many who do mind. Men like me who are professional late bloomers can conceivably find such dating pools nearly impossible to access when women at this age are beginning to think long term. And I repeat: I don’t have an issue with my financial status; it is something, however, that I find many women care about, and it makes me not even try to put myself out there at all because I feel I won’t measure up in their Excel dating-requirements spreadsheet.
You don’t hear us discussing it often because we’d have to admit to our fears of not feeling valued because we aren’t where we are “supposed to be in life.” Think about it: Thirty-four-year-old men aren’t supposed to be five years removed from an internship and expect to find a woman who will view them as potential relationship material. Most women my age have children and may see a man who makes less than they do as another mouth to feed. I’ve been told this, in so many words. Remember that society views me as “old” and “late in the game,” too. Being a man doesn’t make that any less challenging.
While I’m more than happy with myself, most women could care less that I speak several weird languages they’ll never understand, am a good person, have a promising writing career and can carry on a stimulating conversation, if they don’t find my income attractive. I’m not begrudging women who demand that their partners make as much as or more than they do. Most reasons I’ve heard are perfectly reasonable; money is very important. But this notion that I should have no issues dating is dismissive of all the points I’ve made.
To be clear, I’m not suggesting that all high-income women fit into the dilemma I’ve described. I am saying that my background—sans income comparable to or more than that of my potential partner—doesn’t make me the automatic catch my female followers on Twitter claim that I am.
Went out on one of those computer board “dates” the other day to a lunch with a woman I had met online. Since it was lunch, and a workday – I wore what I normally wear to work… Which is business casual, with the usual attached company badge. The restaurant was a strip mall joint – nothing fancy. The woman in question made a snide comment about my “not dressing up”. In her occupation as an educator, I guess she had never been exposed to the tech world. I gave up explaining what I do a long time ago to non-technical people – leaning towards the “something with computers” amorphism.
I do have and sometimes wear suits in appropriate situations, and in my collection of 10-15, they range from Jos A Banks to Anderson & Sheppard bespoke – typically chosen on the basis of the old business adage – “slightly out dress your customer”. Ergo don’t wear a $10,000 Rubinacci to a meet and greet with your Government clients (wear you Banks), while it is the low end in some boardrooms. The nice thing about Rubinacci is they don’t put their label inside the suit, unless you ask. If you know the fabric look and feel of a high quality suit, you can figure it out (from across the street) even if you don’t know the maker. I have had a few knowledgeable women surreptitiously actually check the label inside the jacket.
Have a friend who was a marketer in the Music Industry years ago. Don’t know if anyone remembers Nehru suits, but they were a big fad back in the early 70’s. My friend flew up o NYC to the Garment district and had a set of 5 made. The problem being after one summer they promptly “went out of style”, leaving him with a closet of expensive unwearable suits.
And about the lady who complained? Needless to say it was a one-dater.
Oh no! Not the Polo shirts!
Love it or hate it, the polo shirt has cemented its role in fashion and pop culture — evoking images of WASPy jocks, prep school suck-ups, Best Buy employees and old-moneyed yacht owners across America.
Ralph Lauren, who helped propel the silhouette from a practical sport shirt (worn by tennis, golf and polo players alike), to an everyday wardrobe staple, is retiring from his Polo-branded empire this year. And as sad as it is to see the fashion legend hang his equestrian-inspired hat, I say it’s time to retire the polo shirt with him.
I know I’m not the only one who finds this casual take on the collared shirt to be a bit offensive. Maybe not as bad as sneakers with dress pants or baggy pants worn low enough to show your boxers … but about as offensive as a single item of men’s clothing can be.
The polo wearer has been made fun of on TV (Blake’s triple polo in “Wet Hot American Summer,” we’re looking at you) and in the movies (Steve Carell’s character in “The 40-Year Old Version” sports a polo shirt in all of the movie posters. As does his pre-makeover character in “Crazy, Stupid, Love.” See a pattern here?). And the ’80s popped-collar polo will forever be seen as the ultimate in obnoxious yuppie styling.
Furthermore, a writer for Real Simple magazine recently cited the polo shirt as a dating dealbreaker — until she discovered that her own personal McDreamy had a closet full of them. But you can always change the way your man dresses, right?
Well, maybe not. My cousin and her fiancé approached me the other day, just as I was about to head to the airport for a flight home. “We need your opinion,” my cousin explained. As I prepared to dole out wedding advice, I was surprised to hear her ask, “What do you think of Robert’s shirt? Can you explain to him that he can’t wear these polo shirts anymore, please?”
While the middle of their relationship is quite literally the last place I want to be, I couldn’t help but (silently) agree with my cousin. Polo shirts belong back in the frat house or exclusively on the golf course, polo field or tennis court where their practical nature can be put to good use. So, unless you are literally picking up a mallet, tennis racket or golf club right now, delve deeper in your closet and find something else to wear. Polo shirts may be the uniform of choice for The Sport of Kings (aka, horse racing), but it’s unacceptable for a family dinner, the office or Sunday brunch.