Why I Don’t Sleep With White Guys

26 Jul

Ok…Now that I got your attention – This one isn’t about me.

Not that it’s any great loss to the gay community – I’m a heterosexual guy who likes the ladies.

But this one caught my eye from a Student in Canada. Interesting viewpoint, since it’s now in style in some parts of America for some black women to get their “swirl” on. And I certainly have run into black guys “who only date white women”. So I wonder if the reverse sort of thing is going on with those women. And do some of those women feel the same way?

And no – the eye candy isn’t the author – I just couldn’t find a decent pic..

Why I Don’t Sleep With White Guys

They say nothing comes without a price. However, in the case of being one of the only coloured girls in my city, nothing comes without a race.

I live in a predominately white city. Not by choice (I’m from Toronto), but to attend university. When I first got to the city, I thought people would be incredibly racist and I’d be excluded and snubbed by my peers. Well, the opposite happened.

Arrogance aside (I promise), everywhere I went, I was white men’s object (emphasis onobject) of desire. And it wasn’t just white men — all races of men I’ve never encountered, but white men seemed the most enthralled by my presence. But the initial adoration and my swelled ego soon subsided after I realized that men were not attracted to me for being just a “pretty face” — I was being objectified, exoticized and sexualized for being one of few coloured girls in a sea of white men. I felt alone. And more importantly, I felt disgusted with myself.

Feminist, social activist and African American author bell hooks terms this kind of attraction to the ‘Othered’ body as “Eating the Other.” This is the phenomenon where white men as well as the media view coloured women’s bodies, especially black women’s, as a site of difference. The coloured body is stereotypically everything the white woman’s body is not: she is not “pure,” “fair,” or “docile.” Rather, her body represents deviance, darkness, temptation, evil, and hypersexuality. This detrimental image generates a deep sense of desire and adventure within the white man — a desire to colonize her body — ‘eat’ it up, and use it to come to know himself.

Through fucking a coloured woman, the white man transcends his ‘whiteness’ and innocence, moving into more experienced and dangerous territory. Literally through her body, he learns what he is and what he is not. He gains access to cross the border into a dark territory that only he, of all his friends, has yet to venture to. But after ‘consuming’ her multiple times, he becomes sick and repulsed, as with any overconsumption of food, and spits her out.

I found hooks’ theory to be overwhelmingly comforting. It came at a time when I was trying to make sense of what was happening to my body and how it was being perceived. It especially came at a time when I found out the guy I had been seeing had a white girlfriend and was sleeping with me to finally make his fantasy of fucking black girls come true (wasn’t I lucky to be the first?). As a mixed-race girl, I also found it unsettling that the colour of my skin allowed people to label me as “Black,” or as something tropical and exotic — it was always one of the two. I was getting sick of being approached at bars by white men, changing their pick up line from “Are you an angel? ‘Cause it looks like you fell outta heaven.” to “I love black people. I have black friends, you know — now can I take you home?”

Sometimes it was more of an excited squeal, a wide-eyed gawk, their hands shaking as they coyly tried to place their hands on my ass, exclaiming, “I’ve never danced with a black girl before,” looking at me the same way one would attack a Quarter (Dark Meat) Chicken Dinner at Swiss Chalet. Dressing up in cheetah print made it worse. My skin colour and mixed heritage had given me a label I didn’t like — that “Black” girl at the bars, that “Island girl” on the bus. Nobody knew what I was, so I was immediately placed in a stereotypical category that both separated me from others and made me mysterious. I was always that girl, not just a girl.

After months of self-hatred, feeling dirty inside and out and wondering what I was doing wrong, I finally started to come to terms with what was happening around me. Being a racial minority female in a city of racially dominant men made me exotic. I was a hot coloured commodity in a rather colourless city, because they had so few “people like me.” The exotification of women comes from being that racialized woman — the Other kind of woman who does not carry “white” features or practices “white” culture.

It is not a compliment, because like eroticization, it sexualizes, objectifies and racializes the female body, jamming it into a tight space where hypersexuality, primitiveness, danger, temptation and difference are forced upon us. The exotification of the racialized body is a way for non-racialized subjects to, like hooks reminds us, come to know themselves. By casting coloured women as different, they maintain the status quo of race and sex dominance while marginalizing, sexualizing, and dehumanizing coloured women.

This is not to say I have become the mad mixed woman in the attic and have cast off all white men. It’s also not to say that this can’t happen with all races of men — I just have yet to find an interracial relationship where my difference isn’t at the forefront. I have yet to find that guy who hasn’t used me to see if sleeping with me makes him a new man, or a guy who hasn’t made the wretched “I love black people” disclaimer upon meeting me.

Maybe I’m just looking in the wrong place. But I am speaking to something more structural than just the colour of my skin and people’s reactions to it; I am talking about privilege, racism, colonialism — systems and institutions of power and hierarchy that allow for women of colour to be exotified and Othered; to be treated as sex objects and animals instead of humans. To be treated by non-coloured men as cheapened territory that becomes a game of conquering. Until I find that guy and regain my trust in white men, I’ve saved myself from being checked off someone’s “To Do” list again. And although I could be missing out, it’s a good feeling to know I’m finally in control. And it feels great.


Posted by on July 26, 2013 in The Post-Racial Life


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10 responses to “Why I Don’t Sleep With White Guys

  1. applesauce80

    July 26, 2013 at 8:34 PM

    Sheesh. I date white guys all the time. But I understand what she is talking about. It isn’t a huge population of white guys (or any guy for that matter). That’s unfortunate for her. Thanks for posting.


    • btx3

      July 27, 2013 at 9:15 AM

      So you think it is more a problem of her selection, than an issue of racial dynamics?

      I tend to agree with you.


      • applesauce80

        July 28, 2013 at 11:22 AM

        Hmm. So I agree with her, I HAVE had guys who have talked to me looking overtly for something erotic with me, simply because I was black. And I understand that black women are eroticized in a way that white women are not (white women have been shaped into the “quinti-essential woman” while black women are cast as something exotic and out-worldly). But in the long run, there ARE many guys who would date black women, but there aren’t as many favorable representations of this. I mean a black man/white woman are the “semi-socially acceptable” interracial relationship, while the opposite is still viewed as taboo. Blaaah. In short, it is a combo of racial dynamics (black women being type-caste as erotic) and perhaps a mix of other things that i can’t know. Haha. I dunno.


  2. godtisx

    July 26, 2013 at 8:40 PM

    Lol. Well I’m not sure she is ‘getting her swirl on?’ Since she is ‘Swirl?’ She just sounds like a young lady having issues with how people are relating to her. But she’s a young woman dating boys. Very different crop of folks.

    And yes, this is a trend for some….but as someone who dates black, latin and has even dated a white guy or two, I think many people are inspired by their fantasies when they become attracted.

    The other thing is, I sort of felt when I read this, she had been dating white guys b/c of where she was?


    • btx3

      July 27, 2013 at 9:13 AM

      Black and Hispanic folks are very thin on the ground in western Ontario by Toronto standards. At least to my experience in the area spending a week there working on a project some years ago – folks were friendly.

      I’m not terribly sure I could separate her problems with dating young white guys in their 20’s and 30’s from dating young black guys in America. Most guys that age are 3/4ths “dawg”. That is reinforced by some of the black men/black women dialogues I’ve seen on the Internet – as well as personal experiences in dating black women.

      And living in the Washington, DC area which is multicultural, there is the opportunity to “date around the world”. It is a human condition that “different” is exciting.


      • godtisx

        July 27, 2013 at 4:19 PM

        So if Blk and Latin folks are rare in Western Ontario – guess we agree on that point. She was probably dating mostly white due to where she was. Secondly she isn’t in America, and I also would not make the generalization about black men being dogs b/c I come from a family of men mostly and brothers and cousins. Nah.

        However that could be where/how you were raised because my best friends have also been happily married to black men for more than a decade each. As far as most men being 3/4ths “dawg,” probably so.

        I’m not a dude /:-0 so I’m not going to jump and say YEAH, on the “most,” thing. Most guys I’ve been in relationships with, weren’t. We ran into other issues. In fact only one I’d term as a “dawg,” and he was white incidently.

        Next I don’t take everything I read on the internet as truth as I think it turns most people into virtual gangstas when that may not be their offline persona at all. Taken from dating off the internet and actual people I’ve gotten to know on here.

        I also have family in DC and live in NY, and it is very multicultural. But I also wouldn’t jump and say b/c of that anyone has any deep insight into other cultures nuances. Some do, many do not.


      • btx3

        July 28, 2013 at 8:34 AM

        Which gets back to my point about “selection”. And I didn’t make the point about only black men – it was universal and based on an age group. Young folks in general when coming to adulthood go through a stage where there is more concern over how pretty the fruit in the garden is… And not whether it is ripe.

        As a single black guy dating in the DC area, I have certainly run into my share of women who continuously make bad choices. Just as some guys are more dawg than man, some women never get past the “bad boy” stage or can’t get past that “Prince Charming” thing. And then wonder why every guy they meet is a “playa” with two or three other women on the side…

        My question was around whether it was the type of guy the woman in question was attracted to, and not the color.

        DC’s dynamic for black folks is that there are far more sucessful black women than black men. Many are looking for professional men. As such, competition for decent mates is much higher than in the white, Asian, or Hispanic communities. Most will never find them, not for statistical reasons – but for choice reasons.


      • godtisx

        July 28, 2013 at 10:32 AM

        We’re like two ships passing in the night, not meeting in the middle (point wise). However, points taken on this one, as I do not ‘live,’ in DC myself so I cannot speak on that and my community is also African which may offer different opportunities. People may not be looking there….

        But I would agree with you from what I have experienced with regards to clients I counsel, friends, and associates that there are times when the choices women are making are not allowing for relationships given the pool.

        As far as the prince charming and bad boy thing, this is a young woman or less mature woman’s game, because dating experiences tend to kick you out of both wisdom wise if you go through these experiences. It has for most African “women,” I know, but now I am not speaking for women in their twenties.

        Interesting article, interesting discussions popping up regarding huh? Take care.


  3. constructivefeedbak

    July 28, 2013 at 8:43 PM

    Mr BT:

    Some interesting points that came to my mind that never were entertained by the author or YOU:

    1) If she indeed bought into “bell hook’s ” theory – why not engage White men – FIRST CUTTING OFF THE POSSIBILITY OF “SEX” – instead focusing on forcing them to experience her FULL HUMANITY?

    2) Why does she feel so comfortable that the White man who “got some” later got REPULSED by her “Blackness” BUT SHE NEVER WONDERED if any of her own CHARACTER and PERSONALITY traits might have played a part – just like any other relationship

    3) A few weeks ago “Book TV” ran a university study that documented the “Hook Up Culture” on our college campuses. Despite the fact that the university social scientist and the university was a progressive, pro-feminist ecosystem – the relaxation of the GENDER BARRIERS for SEX (ie: No need for any courting or a relationship) ended up EMPOWERING THE MEN.

    The FEMINISTS were placed into a market in which they either PUT OUT as expected or HE would “Friend” someone else.
    The woman who liked a guy would then have to choose to PLAY BY HIS RULES (and the STATUS QUO) if she had any hope of a relationship with him in the long run.

    For the life of me I do not understand why PROGRESSIVE WOMEN IN PARTICULAR can’t see that WOMEN are the net losers in environments of CHAOS and “Make It Up As You Go Along” pseudo-structures


    • btx3

      July 30, 2013 at 6:07 PM

      CF – Other than the fact she is black and educated…

      Why do you believe she is “liberal”?

      She is Canadian. Just because they call something liberal or conservative in another country…

      Doesn’t mean they are American Democrats or Republicans.



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