It would appear the plight of single black women has even reached the human interest news of Russian Television –
Being a SBM who has entered the dating market in the last few months, one of the things that I have noticed is that there is a huge difference in attitudes and outlook between black women in their 50’s, 40’s and 30’s. While a lot of people have discussed the impact of the disintegration of the family unit on black males, one needs to ask if those same forces may not have had an impact, albeit more subtle, on black women.
An introduction to a black woman is all too often like a financial transaction. To a “successful” black man who has punched those tickets, that discussion can be very offputting, to a brother who hasn’t, it can often be belittling. I’ve certainly heard stories from black women about black men vastly inflating their jobs and accomplishments – but there seems to be little recognition as to why these guys may feel the need to do so, other than the broad brush stereotype that they are “players”.
If you take away the big money sports stars and actors, whose fame and fortune are likely to attract legions of Bimbos – and just look at professional level, educated black men with careers…
Then the question becomes, in consideration that it’s the 21st century and the “forbidden fruit” dynamic is dead as a doornail – what is it White, Hispanic, and Asian women are doing to grab such a significant portion of these black males?
Here’s a hint – It’s not the sex.
Btx3's Blog 
t-shirts101
February 15, 2010 at 10:50 AM
You hit the nail on the head with regards to the disintegration of the Black Family being a (leading) cause of the disconnect between Black men and Black women. We learn how to treat each other based on what we’ve seen growing up. If the home is messed up, so will in – all likelihood – our respective relationships, generally speaking.
Even a “player” will rethink his ways if he’s treated well, and if settling down has crossed his mind.
Also, I predict – unfortunately – that older women will begin acting more like the younger ones. Older women, very generally speaking, didn’t grow up under the same conditions as the younger ones. But with each passing decade, younger women become older – and many don’t shake the stigma and circumstances that initially shaped their minds regarding men.
I’ve heard (as I’m sure we all have heard) that Black women should seek relationships with non-Black men as well, in order to improve their likelihood of being married and having a relationship of any kind. I believe that means little if the woman’s attitude towards relationships is messed up from the get-go, regardless of her feelings about Black men. The same isn’t necessarily true about Black men and non-Black women.
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btx3
February 15, 2010 at 11:21 AM
Funny thing about the people who do the analysis of population trends. Looking at the statistical mismatch in the black community, they miss the point that the reverse is true in the white community in America. Over the last few generations there are more men than women born in the United states to white families. That statistical mismatch, more than anything else may be contributing to the disintegration of white marriage in terms of divorce, and the corresponding relatively quick re-marriage by white females. What that is saying is black women, who were never in reality undesirable as stereotypes attempted to portray them, will see a lot more interest by white men. Whether that happens is much more dependent on the attitudes of black women…
Than white men.
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t-shirts101
February 15, 2010 at 1:12 PM
White men get what they pay for. (I know that particular comment is wrong, but far too many sisters put themselves out there like that.)
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btx3
February 15, 2010 at 2:10 PM
In a conversation with one sister, she kept coming back to my income and assets. Finally I told her “If I was interested in a financial transaction, then those assets certainly include enough money to purchase a young ‘trophy wife” from any number of 2nd and 3rd world countries, instead of conversing with a woman near my age.”
I never called her back, nor intend to.
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brotherbrown
February 15, 2010 at 9:45 PM
Because we have some rental property and my kids’ names are also on the deeds (in the process of setting up a family trust, one of my 2010 must-do’s), I told her whoever she marries will have to sign a pre-nup. Won’t matter after all the property is transferred to trust, but I’m not telling her that to see how the future suitor reacts.
In your mind, when would it be appropriate for a woman you date to discuss matters of finance?
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btx3
February 15, 2010 at 11:39 PM
There is finance, and then there is FINANCE in my view, BB. It is certainly fair to ask what a perspective suitor does for a living, and if they are gainfully employed.
The next point, I’m afraid to say – is to get as smart about things as white women.
Generally, most professionals will talk about their work, and any reasonably intelligent person can figure out income range from that. If not familiar with the job, any one of half a dozen job sites lists average salaries for thousands of occupations by region. If a person works for the Government, the salary scale is public. Whether Government Service, State, or County salaries are publicly listed. Whether a school teacher in Raleigh, a Sanitation worker in Chicago, or a Dental Technician in Dallas, public information can put it within $5k with a 96% probability. This is real basic stuff.
Second – basic flag. If a guy is driving a $50k car, with a $60K income…
He’s a bad bet.
If she’s sitting in a $500k house, and the ex skipped, and she only makes $60k…
She’s a bad bet.
Learn the difference between a $2,500 bespoke suit, and an off the rack from Men’s Warehouse. Professional men in Fortune 500 companies tend towards conservative cut suits. The higher up – the more conservative. If he’s wearing a suit that looks like one of the NBA Basketball Players, and he isn’t in entertainment or professional sports – chances are it’s a cheap knockoff and he’s not a professional either. Trick a professional white woman taught me, overhearing she and several others talking, was to complement a guy’s tie – then flip it over to check the brand. A Rolex doesn’t mean much, if you aren’t knowledgeable enough to spot a fake.
Third, besides the presentation when meeting a guy, if using one of the increasingly popular online dating sites – get your eyes off a guys pecs or the bulge in his jeans, and look at the context and presentation of the picture(s). For the guys – you know what you are looking at! Where were the pictures taken? Is it a house or a condo/apartment? What is the decor? Does it look organized? If there is art on the walls, is it framed SI Swimsuit models, or something a bit more sedate?
Is the physical posture of the person neutral or aggressive? How are they dressed? I mean – if a brother is presenting himself as a senior executive at a major corporation, and he’s theoretically trying to put his best foot forward – why is he wearing one of those $20 matched polyester shirt and tie sets from WallMart?
Guys my age, like yourself, tend to have accumulated a few things. Other than the accountant and the tax man, to me those things are private. Unless we are on reasonably equal footing, she (or I if the situation is reversed) don’t need to know until it’s listed out in the prenup.
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t-shirts101
February 16, 2010 at 8:34 AM
What’s sad is that a great deal of the Black women I’ve run into through the years don’t think through things as BT has described. Finance is discussed in accordance to a transaction or a sale, rather than as a reasonable means of determining suitability. And this has been at all levels – degreed professionals have put themselves out there just like the hoochies. Any discussion of finance that goes beyond the basics of determining the basic status of a potential suitor, establishes that she is for sale and all (future) interaction will be based on potential transactions. Any glimmer of hope for a healthy relationship of any kind is completely lost.
On the flip side, although I understand the lessons taught by white professional women as explained by BT, Black women don’t necessarily have that luxury. Examples: My father was a basic city worker (he eventually attained an Engineering degree later in life); he wore asphalt stained Khakis and drove a beat-up Plymouth. He also designed and built our family home, and my Mom drove a Lincoln for many years. If my Mom used the same standards and professional White women, I would never have been born.
My friend eventually married his girlfriend – he was 18, she was 16 when they had their first child. Needless to say, they had absolutely nothing. Their first child is now 24, and their family has remained together – and happy – to this day.
Unless the (Black) man in question is a white collar professional, then (Black) women must look a little deeper than what they may have been taught or told.
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btx3
February 16, 2010 at 9:42 AM
Now you are talking about the most disrespected group in the black community, t-shirts. The hard working brother, who seems to get consistently overlooked and frowned upon, in that chase for a prince on a shining steed. Since the video was about professional black women, I took it from the professional-professional relationship. But a lot of the same logic and clues apply. Is the guy consistent, and seem to have a purpose and will about going to work? Is he, or has he ever been in trouble with the law? Drug use? How about his friends – are they the sort of guys who have jobs, or “no visible means of support”? Is the guy on time? Is the guy clean, neat, and well groomed when you go out? Appropriately dressed? A car is typically a statement for most young men, as it is their first major purchase. Never mind the model or age – Is it clean and well kept?
The you get into the “values” discussion, which most black women confuse with being “a church going man”. That’s stupid. It’s stupid because every player worth his salt knows the best place to pick up women is doing the “church rotation” with a sob story. “Yeah I was bad, but I’m not anymore!” Guy ought to be able to present a cogent discussion of what he wants to do, and how he wants to get there. Short term goals are the ones which count, because no one ever reaches a long term goal without “winning” a lot of the little battles.
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russian-brides
February 15, 2010 at 11:32 AM
By creating a virtual image, try to keep it intact. Photos and answers in the questionnaire should not contradict each other, and maintain a single idea and concept. Do not flaunt it once all its facets. Variety on distance more often dezorintiruruet and wary, rather than attracting men. Better to let your other merits he knows in person or, at least in the process already established correspondence. You should always have a trump card up his sleeve as a reserve.
I want to warn against excessive zeal in creating a virtual “portrait”. In spite of artistic stylization it should reflect real and most significant side of your self. Otherwise, when more closely you are doomed to mutual frustration.
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brotherbrown
February 15, 2010 at 12:26 PM
Now that my kids are grown and on their own (well, sorta on their own) I’m taking note of the reality of the modern dating game.
My eldest is female, 27, degreed and working in her field. She would like to be in a relationship, but has not been in one for more than a year. Now, honestly, the last dude was a textbook definition of what I would call a PAB (punk-assed b****.) It was my first impression of him, and he never overcame it. And in fact, my daughter set herself up for heartbreak with him by insisting they were “just kicking it.” (There are terms of art for this dating era that could be the subject of a separate post.) Which made it easy for him to move on when he was ready. My daughter did everything for him, which, as it turns out, was his big problem, being the only male in a house of females growing up. It’s very telling that she posted on her facebook wall yesterday the following: “As Always my Parentals are my Valentine!!! Gotta love it. They never let me down ♥ them bunches!!” And many of her contemporaries expressed the fact that Valentine’s Day is a useless holiday.
My other child is male, 22, degreed, working, looking for a more career-oriented job, preparing for the GMAT, and working with me on a business plan. He is presently single, but could be in a relationship at any time if he decided to settle down. A very nice young lady would like to be his full time girlfriend, and he admits she is good to and for him. But they are also “just kicking it.”
They both have an example from their parents about how to treat a mate, but we may very well be the exception rather than the rule. Each of them also have friends who are married and/or parents. I think a lot of people of their generation are willing to have children outside of marriage. So far, neither of them has shown any interest in that scenario, but time will tell.
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t-shirts101
February 15, 2010 at 1:10 PM
BB,
Your kids are in a much better position to pick the right people for them. You’ve set the tone, too many kids don’t have that advantage.
Besides, 22 y/o boys/men rarely settle down, and if they do, those relationships are rarely long term. They (we) are (were) far too immature.
27 y/o women are usually far more mature than their male counterparts of similar age, regardless of ethnicity.
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brotherbrown
February 15, 2010 at 9:35 PM
For the record, I got married at 22, and my father at 23.
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btx3
February 15, 2010 at 1:52 PM
BB, unlike many black women – even successful ones of that generation, your daughter had the obvious benefit of a strong male role model in her father. A conversation I recently had with a fascinating black woman I’ve met recently was “I know my father. I grew up in the house with him present.”
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t-shirts101
February 16, 2010 at 8:08 AM
BB,
For the record, you (and your father) were FAR more mature at 22 than I was, as well as most of my peers (with one exception).
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brotherbrown
February 16, 2010 at 10:15 AM
BT, clearly you are in a different stage of life than 20-somethings, so things you mention are part of your evaluation process that would not concern my kids. The irony is that what you described is very similar to the hip hop view on fashion and conspicuous, if understated, consumption.
What is so difficult for 20-somethings is to be able to foresee the qualities in a potential mate that would lead them to a productive life together. For black women, it results in a reluctance to take the plunge until they are at a station in life where they are evaluating clothes, cars, etc., as a way to identify a mate.
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btx3
February 16, 2010 at 11:12 AM
In my 30’s I had reached the level I could afford an expensive luxury car. Sitting in the Mercedes dealership. I started asking about what the payment plans were, and how much a monthly payment would be. When the guy told me, a light went on – I could buy a house or a nice condo for this – rent it…
And wind up with a net profit.
Didn’t buy the Mercedes…
I bought a (big) boat!
Stupidest financial decision you can make… But it was fun!
Most successful black women (and white women) tend to focus on their careers until their 30’s. Unfortunately the “market” by that age is starting to get rather thin.
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btx3
February 16, 2010 at 11:20 AM
One other thing – this quest for riches thing among black women has become a huge turnoff for this guy. May well be time to move on, and admit it just isn’t going to work.
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t-shirts101
February 16, 2010 at 12:39 PM
FYI: I felt the same way until a year ago. My wife changed my mind… don’t give up, or at least, don’t be closed to opportunities.
I know I’m not saying anything you haven’t heard before, so consider this a reminder. It’s bad out here, but not impossible.
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