Tracy McMillan – Why You’re Not Married…Part 2.

So…Tracy – after the third marriage…
Should the bride wear black?

Last year an opinion piece directed towards women by Tracy McMillan caused the Internet Message Boards to light up. Tracy has published a follow on piece n HuffPo – which I am sure is going to cause as much controversy. With only 42% of black women who will ever marry, and the statistics of even divorced black women not looking too good – its probably time to start delving a little deeper into he issue than metro-sexual black men, or all the good men are locked up in Prison. Black women, by and large do the same things as their white counterparts. Reminds me of a conversation with a Jewish woman I dated, when on the first date she volunteered “So you a tired of the black women who are b*tches, and the white ones who are crazy.”

Tracy McMillian

I reminded her about obsessive, too smart Jewish women…

Tracy’s first foray through the minefield is here, and includes the first “6 Reasons” -

1. You’re a B*tch.
Here’s what I mean by b*tch. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here’s what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn’t think so. You’ve seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men.

Single Guy view – No sane guy out of his teens wants to marry a “b*tch”, “Diva”, or “Queen”. Once those hormones subside a bit about 30, he figures out that while a Diva may be a great “f*ck buddy”, the continued flak of waking up with her for the next 20 years just isn’t worth it.

2. You’re Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man’s character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you’re not married, I already know it isn’t. Because if you were looking for a man of character,you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy…

Single Guy view – Go to any black dating website and look at the “want list” of the women there. Whether 4’11″ or 6′ tall they all want a guy taller than 5’9″. Since the average height of black men in America is 5’9″ that eliminates 50% of the available men from their searches. Take out married, committed, or in jail – and the number of available black guys gets astonishingly small. Go to any of the Internet dating sites, and over 30 you find a plethora of women over 5’6″ – statistically the largest group. Face it tall ladies – the short girls done stole all your men! If  you are really serious about that relationship – get used to wearing flats. Your feet will thank you when you reach 50.

Searching for Denzel. I have a couple of women business friends I’ve known for a long time who have never been married who are in their early 50′s. One is short, dumpy, and very average looking. A recurring scenario is she meets a wildly successful handsome guy, agonizes over every word he says for months – to find out he’s dating someone else, he’s gay, or has a list of psychological problems that would put a poorer person in an Asylum. She doesn’t even get to bed the guy. She went through this with a guy I know who is probably one of the top 5 most eligible guys in town, who has a successful career, has lots of status,  is wealthy, and a long family pedigree of successful ancestors – all “must haves” in her book. The problem? Every other single woman in town knows this too. If I’ve got 100 Halle Berrys knocking at my door, character be damned in terms of a sex life… I’m not looking for a date with Whoopi. What I’m looking for is a Halle..with a brain.

3. You’re a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore – but they’re not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you’re having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin — it doesn’t stay recreational for long.

Single Guy view – No reason to buy the cow as long a milk is free. Unfortunately for single women – there is a glut of milk on the “market”. However – there isn’t a surplus of character, which is why some women seem to be able to grab a guy 15 minutes after being divorced.

4. You’re a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he’s not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he’s married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, “I’m not really available for a relationship right now.”

You know if you tell him the truth — that you’re ready for marriage — he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don’t want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don’t want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!

5. You’re Selfish.
If you’re not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don’t have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy — or at least a guy with a really, really good job — would solve all your problems.

Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It’s not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her.

Single Guy view – Most guys recognize there is going to be a balance where he is sometimes second in your life behind the kids. Marriage is essentially a balancing act where the wants and needs of the partner and children have to balance. No guy worth his salt is going to try and upset that balance, and any decent guy is invested in keeping the relationships on an rational keel. No guy worth his salt is also willing to be #3. The majority of black folks in the US are evangelical. In the last 20-30 years it has become popular in evangelical parlance “that Jesus is first in my life”. That puts the guy at #3…And you sitting at home alone. Look around on Sunday morning at the number of single women…and lack of single guys over 15. Do the math.

Another saying is the one thing never to touch on a black woman when in bed is her hair. Now – I appreciate a well dressed, well coiffed woman – but I honestly don’t ever recall an instance where I wound up in bed with a woman was because of her hair, or her long eyelashes for that  matter. Long legs…check. Built like the proverbial “Brick House”…check. A wicked sense of humor…check. Long Maybelline lashes…Nope. I know guys who describe themselves as “leg men”, “ass men”, and “breast men” – which doesn’t even cover a few freaky guys I’ve run into who are into women’s toes and feet…

But I’ve never heard of a guy who gets off on long eyelashes…or perfectly coiffed hair for that matter. If that is what he says he likes… You might want to become familiar with the term “metro-sexual”. Which is to say – modern life, where both parties have jobs and share the kid raising trips to the soccer games et al – is way too short to spend 50% of the remaining time waiting for you to get every curl in place. He KNOWs what you look like in the morning – and is still there. Like him – taking 6 hours off every Saturday to play Golf, leaving you with the kids Soccer practice – it gets into “selfish”. Guys think about that. It falls into the category of “High-maintenance” women (See – “You’re a B*tch)

6. You’re Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don’t think that. You do. I can tell because you’re not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.

Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don’t know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won’t love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

Single Guy view – There are no perfect men. If there were – they would already be gone. The same applies to women. What there are is folks who are very comfortable in their own skin – which is of increasing value as you get older. If the only goal is sex..or money – even a guy on a moderate income can buy a gorgeous wife from Eastern Europe or some other 3rd world country. When some lady I have just met gets a bit too demanding about my income or work, I’ve been known to ask whether this is a business transaction or a relationship. And if it’s a business transaction I’m partial to buying my wife from Brazil. Professional people talk differently than non-professionals. You are in a corporate environment – you learn corporate-speak very fast. High income people also talk about things which aren’t generally affordable by low income people as a matter of conversation. And no – this doesn’t come across like the local Ghetto drug dealer trying to impress you with his Escalade with the big rims. Anyone who reads a car magazine can tell you about the features in a Mercedes/Lexus/Audi – but only a person who has bought one can tell you about the trade offs of the lease programs or describe the maintenance schedule.

Knew a guy years ago who drove a Mercedes. Used to run into him at the clubs in a nice looking, conservative cut suit (always the same suit) telling the ladies he was a new lawyer with a big firm. Talked to him a few times in passing – and figured either he was lying , or they had seriously lowered the Bar to the Bar Exam. Lawyers talk like Lawyers. Lawyers think like Lawyers. That doesn’t mean they break out in a cold sweat at the sound of an ambulance siren – but it does mean there are some very definite verbal clues in  a conversation. “What do you think of the judge withdrawing bail in the Trayvon Martin case?” will get you a  very specific, well constructed answer from almost any type of lawyer. Doesn’t matter if you understand all the ins and outs of the legalese – but the guy (or girl) is real if they can (and will) succinctly elucidate the issues. You will find a variation of group talk and group think in almost any professional field. My Mercedes driving Lawyer guy? I was late leaving work one night, and had parked on the lowest floor of the underground garage of the hi-rise I worked in at that time. Who do I spot changing out of his coveralls into his suit next to the trunk of his Mercedes but my guy. Turns out he slept in the car – being unable to afford an apartment and the car payment on the salary he made in building maintenance. 

In business we call this process “due Diligence”. The best due diligence in life is when the other person doesn’t even know you are checking. You need to get smarter as a hunter…Not better as a person.

Beginning to think Tracy is a glutton for punishment…

Part II – Why You’re Still Not Married

7. You’re a Mess. You overdrink. You overeat. You overspend. You under-earn. Whatever it is, there’s (at least) one big thing in your life — an attitude, a behavior, a vice — that you absolutely, for sure, under-no-circumstances want to let go of. And the bad news is, that is the ONE THING you absolutely, for-sure, under-no-circumstances WILL NOT be able to keep. At least not if you want to move forward.

Single Guy view – Met a woman last year and took her out for a Coffee date. Unfortunately, the day I was to meet her, I also had to attend the funeral of a close family member later in the day. So I probably wasn’t at my best. Great date, and we talked for hours. She has everything an old dude like me considers at the top of the list – good looking and sexy (at least to my eye), well educated, intelligent, and a strong sense of empathy in taking care of several family members who were in bad shape medically. The similarities in life situation were stunning, care of a sick sibling, a daughter in College, a Mother who needs care and is unable to live by herself. After the first date, it became hard to call her and find time to talk. There was always something , work, a meeting, care of her ill mother which kept her from having a conversation. I finally gave up, figuring there was another guy – or she just wasn’t interested. Yet she continues to call me, sends emails, and comments about my LinkedIn information, which is like a Facebook for professionals – a year later. She is always “going to call to set up a time and place to meet”, and never does. I’ve told her why I am interested (leaving out the great legs part), and been utterly honest. The problem seems to be that she lost a long term, well paying job just before I met her – and is trying to get back on her feet selling Real Estate. She wants to be “independent” before committing to a relationship with a guy. The Real Estate Market hasn’t been so hot lately – so that is a long and hard climb. Having been on both sides of that 1%-99% divide at different points in my life – I understand that too. But waiting for a woman to work though her issues is not a guys strong suit except in the movies.

8. You’re Crazy. Crazy is where you LOVE INTENSITY. You want life to bring the exclamation points!!!!!!! Normal people, and relationships? Big, noisy YAWN. You think of yourself more like Angelina Jolie when she was with Billy Bob. Crazy is where you use your cell phone like an automatic weapon. You meet, have sex, fight and break up — all by text message. Another sign you’ve got the crazies is if you are constantly telling long, involved stories in the break room about what happened this past weekend. You think your listeners are wowed and they are, but to them it’s like watching an episode of “Fear Factor.

9. You’re a Dude. It’s not that you love the Cardinals, have short hair, or or make more money than most guys. It’s that, when it comes to relationships, you want to hunt them down and kill them. You call guys, you text guys, you ask guys out. You have sex like it’s a temp job, hoping that if you rock a guy’s world, you’ll get hired full-time. And it’s not working for you, because right now, you are in a long-term, committed relationship with EXACTLY NONE of those dudes.

Single Guy view – The flip side of this one is women who demand being pursued, while holding their cards very close to the vest about their interest. The problem there is that the guys who play that  pursuit game best…are Playas. The guy who says and does absolutely the right thing at the right moment…

Does so because he has had lots of practice. You shouldn’t be real surprised when you find out he’s got 4 other women on his string when he inevitably cuts you loose. If the guy doesn’t get a little tongue tied or flustered when he first meets you – he’s in the meat market, not the woman market.

Doesn’t mean though you need to look like Tyra Banks to catch a guy. Here’s a fun (and hopefully enlightening)  exercise. Before your nest company party/picnic/cocktail party with co-workers…

Try and guess what their spouses look like. While that may be easy with “Boob-Job Betty” and “Shallow Hal” – it isn’t easy with the other 99%.

As to that being chased part – Prince put it best in his song “Kiss” with “I know how to undress me.”

10. You’re Godless. Remember how I said that marriage is a spiritual path? Well, we’re there. The point where I suggest something totally radical and punk-rock as a way of transforming whatever it is you have going on (or don’t have going on) in the area of relationships. And here it is: I want you to get a god. Wait, come back! It’s not necessarily what you think. What do I mean by god? Well, I don’t mean a bearded dude in the sky who is going to give you a Mercedes and a husband if you’re good and punish you if you’re bad. That would be Santa Claus. I mean I want you to cultivate a sense of SPIRIT in your life, a relationship with the intangible, the unseen — the power behind the oceans, gravity, chocolate and the Beatles. You know, the thing you experience in life where the hair stands up on your arms? The Big Something. You could just call it Love. Whatever you name it — it’s the game changer. Because when you mix the idea of spirit into your relationships, it no longer matters how many men are, techincally, out there. No more demographics, no more short guys and tall guys or chicks with cankles or ten extra pounds. There are no more lists of things you think you have to have in a mate. There are only two people on a spiritual assignment: TO LOVE EACH OTHER.

Single Guy view – You’ve got no sense of wonder in the world around you…

You’ve got no sense.

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